On Being a New Wizard in Arcadia--Part XXIII

    "What are you doing for Spring Break?" Sebastian asked. Christian looked up from his notes, baffled.

    "Oh, I don't know. Mom's flying up to Cleveland and she's going to come to take me back to Grandma's, and June's getting a ride up from Cuyahoga State, so it'll be the three of us and Grandma. I sense a lot of visiting in my future." Christian doodled aimlessly on the corner of his notebook. "Mom's feeling guilty for leaving us to our own devices while we were sick, I imagine."

    "That's good," Sebastian said, then shut his eyes in chagrin. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm glad that she's coming to see you and take care of you guys. I was worried that you didn't have plans."

    "Didn't have plans?" Christian repeated, baffled. "You've never been overly concerned about what I'm doing when you aren't around."

    "I just wanted to know you had something to do." Sebastian looked uncomfortable. "I was worried that you'd be moping around all week, or not taking care of yourself, or...well, just not happy." He was a bad liar, and his refusal to meet Christian's eyes warned of trouble. "I was worried that you were going to just be hanging out here in Arcadia all week. Brooding."

    "No, I think you were worried that I was going to be doing things dealing with the other realms." Christian put his pen down a little too firmly. "I knew it. You've been different toward me since I told you exactly what's been happening. Half the time you act like I'm on the brink and need coddling, the other half you act like you don't want to be around me. It's making me a bit crazy."

    "Crazy? That's what's making you 'crazy' these days?" Sebastian laughed bitterly. "What's crazy is hearing that your boyfriend, who has always pushed himself too hard and is probably self-destructive, has had a psychotic break and is in the hospital. Oh, except he didn't have a psychotic break, and his delusions aren't actually delusions, and he actually can see these monsters he thought he was fighting and walk through walls and the whole damned business. That's crazy."

    "How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't want any of this?" Christian snapped. He felt cold and sick and full of venom, and he didn't care. "Do you think I like knowing that monsters are real and nightmares are true? Half my soul--my soul, Sebastian, is in a castle on the other side of reality, that's just what I've always dreamed of happening. My friends are scared of me, that's a load of fun. Oh, or I could just destroy the world, without much effort. Ah, and immortality, let's not forget that. Jesus Christ, Sebastian, do you think I wanted this kind of burden? I get to watch everyone I know and love grow old and die, does that sound like something I'd want to go after?"

    "No," Sebastian agreed. "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. I know you don't want this. It's overwhelming. I liked knowing where we stood, not just us as a couple, but the whole human race. Christian, you know me. I'm not someone who has a lot of interest in things that aren't grounded in reality. It worked for us. I liked being practical, down-to-earth, solid and dependable. I liked you being the artist, the dreamer, my sweet hippie boy." He smiled and pushed Christian's hair out of his face. "That's all been turned upside-down. I feel like I've been living with my eyes closed, and that guys like you, the ones my brother likes to call nerds, the ones who dress up for movies and play Lord of the Rings in the woods, you've had it right all along. You knew there was more to this world than what the eyes see, and you've had to spend your whole life getting ragged over it. I'm a shadow, and the people like you are the ones closer to having it all figured out."

    "I wouldn't go as far as that." His anger was ebbing, and he felt drained. "I wish I had told you sooner. I honestly couldn't quite figure out how much was real, and I didn't want to frighten you needlessly. It's still hard to grasp it all. Maybe it will all make sense someday. Maybe it never will." Christian reached across the table and grabbed Sebastian's hand. "I'm sorry for the pain this has caused you. I love you too much to do a thing to purposely hurt you."

    "I know." Sebastian gave him a sad smile. "Isn't it stupid? I never thought I'd fall into the gender stereotype of over-masculinity and over-protectiveness of my partner. I thought I'd duck that one."

    "Well, I'm not a damsel in distress, thank you." Christian tried to smile back and failed. "I am glad you want to have my back."

    "Your front too, if you'll let me." It was such a pitiful attempt at humor, and Christian knew that Sebastian knew it. He forced a laugh anyway. "We'll figure this out, won't we?"

    "We'll do our best." Christian hoped that wasn't an empty promise.


    Friday afternoon couldn't come fast enough. Christian sat on the wall outside Clarke Hall, his bags at his side. The melting snow caused a babbling stream to run past the base of the wall, the dingy water carrying grit and sand to the storm drains. Christian stared, transfixed by the motion of the light on water. His absorption was so deep that he barely noticed the shadowy form beside him, until it spoke right in his ear.

    "We're over here, doofus," said a bright female voice. Christian jumped badly, then turned to look up into the mocking, foxy face of his sister June. Her eyes twinkled merrily as she helped him up onto the wall. "Your butt's going to freeze off, sitting like that." She grabbed up his suitcase while he slung his backpack over his shoulder. Suddenly, she reached over and grabbed him into a fierce bear hug and kissed his cheek.

    "What was that for?" he asked, wondering. June shrugged.

    "You look like you needed it."

    The ride to Mentor was exhausting. Mom chattered incessantly the entire time, about her job, about the kids she tutored, about people Christian barely knew, but she steered away from any discussion of her two older children's health problems. June was sprawled across the back seat of the minivan, and a careful glance confirmed his suspicions, that this was word-for-word the same line of chatter that June had already heard. He noticed that Mom skirted the topic of Sebastian on several occassions. He felt like pulling his hair out a bit. She acted as though if she ignored the topic of his boyfriend or his health, then they were non-issues. June apparently was getting fed up with it. She kept making annoyed noises from the back seat, then finally, when Mom stopped to take a breath, leaned forward to join the conversation.

    "How's Sebastian?" she asked brightly. "I wanted to say hello to him."

    "He's going down to visit his younger brother for the week." Christian raised an eyebrow at her. She shot a subtle nasty glance at Mom, then turned her attention back to Christian. He continued. "We actually have a class together this semester, which has been great. He's been able to get my notes and work for me."

    "That's wonderful," June replied. "You don't seem to be bouncing back as well as you ought to be." That was no exaggeration. Christian was very aware of his sunken cheeks and the dark circles around his eyes. "Are you sure you're getting enough rest?"

    "He can rest most of this week," Mom said quickly. "You don't look good, sweetie. Did..." and she dropped her voice to a semi-scandalized whisper. "You didn't catch something, did you?"

    "Geez, Mom!" Christian said, not knowing to be embarrassed or offended. "I didn't catch anything from Sebastian, if that's what you're suggesting! I'm burnt out, and I'm over-doing everything. Look, would you please get over my being gay and in a relationship already? It's not helping matters any." Everything was wearing him out far more quickly these days. He had no more patience for his parents or their ridiculous behavior. "There are much worse things I could be doing."

    "You needn't be snippy," Mom reminded him. They drove in agonizing silence for several miles. Christian stared out at the damp, muddy countryside, wishing he had kept his mouth shut. Mom broke the silence. "It's your father. He refuses to talk about you or what you're doing. He's been horrible to Oliver, just pushing him hard and bullying him into behaving. I worry about you, of course. I just need to know you are being careful, and not taking any risks with your health. Of course, when you ended up in the hospital, he immediately blamed it on your lifestyle. He just doesn't want to see what his behavior does to you kids! That's what I'm willing to bet made all three of you sick. He's done nothing but push you for years, of course it's going to catch up to you."

    "I'm not gay on purpose," he pointed out. Mom nodded. "I wish you'd agree to even meet Sebastian. He's a really nice guy, super-responsible, all the things a parent could hope for in a boyfriend for their kid."

    "Maybe we can go out to dinner sometime," Mom agreed. "June seems very impressed by him."

    "Well, what more endorsement can he hope for?" Christian smiled at his sister. She smirked back. "I'm glad to see you both."

    "And we're glad to see you," June replied.


    The following week passed in a pleasant sort of haze of sleeping and visiting. Mom was content to do most of the visiting, leaving Christian and June free to poke around the mall and comic book stores in the area. They both spent far too  much money on art books, manga, and model kits. One guy at the comic store recognized June from her cosplay archive, and treated her like a celebrity, much to her delight, and took a serious percentage off her purchase. It was in this cheerful mood that they went to their favorite Thai restaurant near the mall. Christian had been wanting to ask her some things for a few days, and hadn't known quite how to approach the subject. No time like over some spring rolls, he supposed.

    "When you got sick," he began. June looked up at him. "When you were sick, did things get a little weird? Or have they been weird since then?"

    "They have been weird, actually." She made a face, sticking out her plump lower lip. "Things just seem to fall into place for me all the  time now. Like, just good luck all the time. Like what just happened in the comic store, and all that swag he discounted for me. Luck. Even when things seem to be going wrong, it ends up being for the very best. And there have been strange people showing up at CSU. It's weirdness, but in an awesome way. Why?"

    "It's been weird for me too, but in a less awesome way. I've kind of gotten hung up in a weird Lovecraft sort of story, if you can believe it." He gave as brief summary as he could manage of what had happened. June looked skeptical, but not for the reason he was expecting.

    "It sounds more like The King in Yellow than Lovecraft, but the universes overlap, and with Bierce." She became lost in thought for several minutes while she ate. "Do you think that you survived by tapping into mine and Oliver's lifeforces? We all got sick at the same time, right, and you keep getting told that you needed to be able to tap into a energy force other than your own, right? Well, you and Oliver and I are all really close. Could you have used us like that?"

    "Maybe. I don't know. But wouldn't it be a two-way street, then? Whatever positive I get, it'd carry over to you two?"

    "Well, like you say, weird stuff has kept happening to me too. We'll have to find out from Oliver when we get back to Tennessee if things have been weird for him too."

    "He's almost fourteen. Everything is weird at that age." Christian sighed. "I haven't been paying enough attention to him lately. Poor little guy."

    "He's a snot. He's at a rotten, sub-human age, and I can't wait for him to be older." June tossed her long ponytail over her shoulder for emphasis.

    "Well, yes, he is awful, but he's our brother, and we have to be patient for him to not be so obnoxious. He will outgrow it."

    "If you say so. So, if I got luck and you got wizard powers, I wonder what he got?"

    "Oh my lord, who knows?" Christian rubbed his eyes. "I'll be glad when Lilly can figure out how to get the rest of my soul back here. I feel like I can't think straight half the time."

    "You can't think straight any of the time." She took the easy shot, and he smiled in relief.

    "Well played," he conceded.


    That night, as they lay in the twin beds in the spare room, June rolled over to look at him.

    "Let's see it."

    "What?" Christian asked sleepily. She propped herself up on one elbow.

    "Magefire," she answered. "I've been laying here trying to focus, the way you said you do, and I don't get anything." June twirled a long, thin object between her fingers like a baton.

    "Is that one of Grandma's knitting needles?" Christian was forcing himself awake now.

    "It is. I don't know what I'm doing wrong." There was a hint of a frown in her voice.

    "Your sense of self is too strong, and you couldn't relax enough if even you wanted," Christian reassured her. "You have to be able to put aside all that, and I honestly don't think you could ever possibly let yourself go enough to let it flow correctly."

    "I am pretty amazing," June agreed cheerfully. "Well, if I can't do it, then let me see you do it."

    "Okay, but you keep it quiet for right now. I don't need Oliver up my backside to teach him this." Christian took a few deep breaths and let himself relax. A small globe of blue-purple light formed above his fingertips. June made an amazed noise. Christian set it to spinning like a small, bright planet. "It is a pretty little thing, isn't it?"

    "And this is with half of your soul missing? What will you be able to do when you're whole?"

    "I've been trying to not think about it," Christian admitted, letting go of the magefire. "I don't know if I want to know."


    They didn't speak of it any more that week, but on Saturday afternoon, when June and Mom took Christian back to Arcadia, June took him aside.

    "You will keep up-to-date on what happens, right? I need to know if anything shifty is in the works, okay?" She gave him a tight hug. "I'll do the same, okay?"

    "Gotcha. Be safe, okay?"

    "I'm not the one who's been playing with things beyond this world. But I'll  keep my head down and my eyes open." She squeezed him one last time and ran back to the car.